Eating disorders

eating-disorder.jpgYou’re nose diving deeper and deeper and the worst thing is that you are completely aware of it.  You know what has triggered you and you have healthy coping mechanisms in place for this, but unless others have or are living with an eating disorder, they will simply not understand. You are aware of the the bad thoughts, but your rational brain is no were near strong enough to beat them .You try to think of ways to help yourself , but hit a brick wall because your brain wont actually allow you to take action. You thus become so weak and drained from giving into your ed that you continue to fall further and further.

A secret  is that you don’t truly know if you want your eating disorder to fully leave you. Its a horrible, lying beast that has tricked you for years, but it has also been your rock, your security blanket and  you honestly  feel like you would be loosing a bit part of who you are. You’re so afraid to let it go because it has helped you and you realise that it might not seem like it has helped you, but it has gotten you through tough times and enabled you to learn alot about yourself and the world around us.

At the moment your are petrified of eating even though you are hungry. Once you eat you feel sick and instinctively want to vomit to reduce the feeling of fullness. For you, being full is bad, it makes you feel uncomfortable and hateful towards yourself. You fear weight gain and if you put on weight, you’ve lost control.

You’re really tired of trying to figure out what all of this means.

You don’t know what you want anymore and that therefore leaves you in no mans land.

-Robyn Sno

Be Kind to yourself

colours-photography (11)People all over the world seek, strive and struggle to find happiness. The one thing i see more an more each day is the answer to the question, why am i not happy? More and more of us have become invested in lives that aren’t our own. We look out for our family, friends, care about the lollipop lady, which is all well and truly great, but whilst doing all of this caring, everyone forgets about the most important one of all. Themselves.

We live in a world controlled by economy and politics, war and famine, authority and social status. People are too busy busting their balls to earn £100.00 because they think that it will make them happy. Will it? Lets think, you’ve worked non stop, been shouted at, are tired and hungry, but hey you got your £100.00. That money will most likely provide you with joy and fill the happiness hole inside you for about 5 minutes, then you go back to feeling hungry, tired and frustrated, dreading the next day in which you have to go back and do it all again. We think that we have to ‘push’ and ‘force’ ourselves to do these things in order to achieve happiness, but ‘pushing’ and ‘forcing’ are such negative words. So explain to me how starting off negative will lead to becoming more positive? You have already painted the baseline in negative thoughts and emotions and no matter how hard you try to cover it up, the original will always seep through and bite you on the ass.

Therefore in order to create happiness for yourself, you need to take it right back to basics and be kind to you. Look after yourself when you are feeling down or vulnerable. Don’t go and force yourself to go to a party just because you think that you should, as it might make the anxiety go away. 9 times out of 10 that wont happen and you’ll be sat, drink in hand wishing that you had just done what you initially wanted to do. Curl up in bed with a book and a cup of hot chocolate. When you’re feeling down, take care of yourself, be gentle and help yourself relax instead of pressuring yourself to ‘get over it’ Watch Netflix, read a book, go for a walk or even take a nap. Save cleaning the house and going bike riding for a time when you are feeling well, with more energy and motivation because then you are 100% more likely to actually enjoy yourself.

I see it all of the time where people say ‘But i have to look after my kids’ or ‘i have to look after the dogs’ or ‘i have to look after everybody because nobody else will do anything’ These people are generally at the top of the unhappy bunch. Even comments such as ‘i would rather them be happy than me’ or ‘if they are well and happy then so am i’ These people have forgotten themselves, they are literally floating away into the night sky and they are just letting themselves float on by. I was one of these people and i thought that i was being selfish if i didn’t want somebody else to be happier than me. But do you know what is selfish? Thinking that you don’t matter or that others deserve more of your own love and attention then you do. That’s selfish, because what about you? Look who doesn’t care about the body that houses their most precious gems, that allows them to speak to others, hold their child and walk down the beach with their loved one. Even the mind that gives them the motivation to get up in the morning. If you all of a sudden lost every ability that your body, mind and soul provides for you, leading you to the point where you couldn’t do anything, wouldn’t your loved one then think that you were being selfish?

Basically, taking care of you is the very first and basic step to reaching any goal towards a happier life. Let your body and mind recover and then you will find it easier to get on with the things you enjoy with the people that you love. Learn what works best for you, what soothes you when your feeling upset or stressed, not what distracts you. A distraction lasts for a second, it doesn’t take away or cure the bad feeling inside. Be gentle, kind and considerate to your day to day actions. Don’t beat yourself up because it just forces more negativity into you and the rest of the world. Tell yourself that ‘its ok’ and sooth some positivity back into your heart. Its pretty simple really,

-Robyn Sno 

Are you an introvert?

f3965fde962cb806b51fe93c425cf30dIn social situations, i think its pretty obvious that i come under the introversion category. I don’t tend to lead a conversation or express my most pressing thoughts. I’m quiet and ay come across as subdued. I tend to keep my emotions to myself and hide away in the shadows.

For the vast majority of my life, i have felt forced into situations where i felt uncomfortable, especially in school. I hated going to some of my classes because i knew hat the teacher would pick on me to answer a question because ‘i was too quiet’ I think its wrong that teachers put pupils on the spot like this. I get that its a way of growing confidence, but in my opinion a person will only gain confidence if they initiate an action themselves, not being forced into it. I grow in confidence because i say to myself for example ‘i am going to ring the insurance company today’ and i pluck up the courage to do it. Afterwards i feel incredibly proud of myself and i’m ready to do it all over again. The situation would be completely different and im sure the after effects would be too if i had someone pressuring me to make the call. I’d get off of the phone, thank the trees that it was over and done with and think ‘im not doing that again’ Where is the positive in that? Its because i didn’t start off with any in the first place. Just keeping calm and talking positively to yourself will definitely push the happy juices.

I have only recently noticed myself in social situations, where as usual i hide away in the background quiet as a mouse. And all the time i’m thinking in my head ‘say something’ ‘stop being so quiet’ ‘make conversation’ and i can feel myself getting all worked up and panicking like a hyped up monkey. In the end i do nothing and waddle on forth. But this past week i have once again noticed my introversion and tried to embrace it. The truth is that i dont need or want to be in conversations all the time. I only get involved if i have something that i want to say or if the conversation interests me. I sat back and held my own little bubble and you know what, i felt proud that i accepted myself as a introvert and felt good about it.

Theres  nothing to be ashamed about, it’s just another unique quality that we may hold.

– Robyn Sno

For more info check out this article here



If you need a kick up the backside

Part of my brain tells me that I want to suffer, to punish myself, but what good would any of that do? It doesn’t serve a purpose. The urge to do it again just comes back even stronger. Sure, I’m jealous of girls that are smaller, thinner than me, but why? They are them and I am me. I am unique to any of them and my life is completely different. Weight, dress size, bmi is just a little, demeaning number that holds shit all purpose in life. It doesn’t give me love, acceptance, purpose or control. NO I do that, my personality does that, my smile, my humour. I bring all of that, not the numbers on the scale or my backstabbing bmi. People like me because they like who I am, not what I am. They don’t like me because I’m ill or suffering with an eating disorder, they probably pity me, which feels degrading. People like me because I make them laugh, I am confident, bubbly and ever so determined.butterfly_abstract_colorful_patterns_97225_3840x2400.jpgWhy do I place such a big purpose, meaning onto something that is simply destroying who I am? I place my mental health on a pedestal and worship it, but why? It doesn’t keep me safe, it doesn’t make me feel comfortable, it doesn’t support me or makes me feel good about myself. It doesn’t give me control, but yet I continue to believe that it gives me all of those things. Its all a knife and fork job and I’m sick of living in my head that continues to give it another chance to prove that it will actually help me. IT NEVER WILL!

For anyone that suffers with any form of mental health, it is so unbelievably hard to be in control of your own mind, to separate what are the good and bad thoughts, to trust what you think. Every single day, I am in constant battle with the good and  the evil within in my head. The bickering never stops, the war is never over because no one ever wins. Its continually fighting in no mans land. But when you get to the good side, its even harder to sustain it, to believe because you have been fed lies about yourself for years. You can’t trust yourself because you’ve buried everything about you. So I’m left with the same thought every night. I don’t want to live this another day. Its sad, but its the truth.

But at the end of the day when that statement comes, I never carry it through, maybe because I’m scared? Or maybe because that hope inside me continues to glow. Every night, it glows and never lets me down. That’s courage that sends me to sleep, even if I don’t realise it, it is and it wakes me up the next day to begin again. I don’t pity myself or anyone else that suffers, I understand the pain and hell that you are constantly going through, but I don’t feel sorry for anyone because we are all still here. We use the freedom of choice that we have, even though we think we don’t and let that courage shine through every single day that we suffer. You did that, not your family or your partner or your therapist, they are not giving it to you, its already within you! And that makes me proud of myself and every other lovely human out there.

I write this for myself, because that’s what I do, that’s how I cope and work things out in my beautiful, blossoming brain.

-Robyn Sno

How much do you complain?

We complain about the most pointless, unimportant things that occur in our day to day
lives. For example, the weather, how busy a car park is, your mobile phone rings and you cant be bothered to talk to the person on the other end. If you wrote down all of the activates that you did in the day, every little thing that you did, I bet more than 50% of them would have involved a moan, a whinge, a sigh or an unattractive face pull. You see, when we complain, we are referring to something better that we would prefer, but we are unwilling to take the risk. An example:

‘Your grade on that assignment is better than mine’ Firstly ask yourself, Did you put as much effort as you could into that assignment? Did you read all the material, make notes and listen to the audios? Did you expand on your points until exhausted or did you simply state them and move on? Did you follow the assignment structure? The list could go on. You can’t change the past, therefore you have your rubbish grade, but you can choose how you deal with it. You can do 3 things:

  • Wallow in your complaint and let it bring you down even more.
  • Take responsibility for your choice or action and stop complaining.
  • Risk doing something new to improve or create something that you truly want.

4f6b0511082223.560f1288c1299.jpg                    I reckon a lot of us would sit with a cup of tea, all snuggled up on the couch in our onesies and wallow like there’s no tomorrow. Self hate would come into play and the bad person in your head will tell you how rubbish you are and that you can’t do anything. Then you will get the ice cream or a chocolate bar out and try to make yourself feel better, when really you just end up putting yourself in a comfortable situation to complain some more about something new.

If we took responsibility for our complaint, recognise and then change our response. ‘I got a poor grade, but I could have put more effort into my research; but at least I passed.’ Mark your mistake or negative reaction with a post it note and then create a very small positive to just make it a little lighter.

The thing that people don’t tend to do is take a risk into doing something that could improve or bring about changes in there lives. This is because risks take a lot of work, a lot of energy and us mere mortals only have so much to play with (we tell ourselves) Risks are scary and unpredictable, but it doesn’t have to be anything major. I’m not asking you to go out and save the world from the joker or anything. With my assignment example, I could simply review my work and note down specific areas to improve on. Make a structure or plan for my next assignment. Then go and  list all of the resources that I am going to use before hand. All the little things soon mount up to one big thing and instead of complaining about your grade, you let out an over the top, uncontrollable yelp of excitement because you got your best grade ever.

All in all, complaining is human nature and it sucks the fucking life out of us. It pulls on all our positive energy to produce a negative impact. Next time you complain about something; think can I do anything about it? If not accept and move on, if you can then choose something small and bloody well give it a go.

-Robyn Sno


Help Yourself?…How?

I want to share a little something with you and that something is, that sometimes we all colourful-baboonfeel down in the dumps, useless, worthless and sometimes we believe that we don’t want to be here anymore. There are so many us that suffer from physical illness, mental illness, bullying, financial breakdown, work stress and plain old low self esteem. We constantly stay rooted to the same old routine that we think is working fine and is ‘just life’. If your thinking, ‘I try to help myself but nothing ever works’, then honestly your not doing the best job that you can, are you?

  1. Stop playing the victim. I think this is the biggest, most powerful and probably the toughest step to get your head around as we all think that we are a victim in some way. We all wallow in self pity, be honest! But in order to help yourself, you need to stop playing this victim part in your life play. No matter what you suffer with in life, there is always a positive outlook, a positive action that can make your life that little bit happier. And if you say ‘What’s the point?’, which I admit to saying plenty of times. The point is that you are in control of your life, no one else and its up to you to design it. If you get bogged down in depression and think ‘What’s the point?’ That amount of negativity and absolute hell that you constantly feel will never leave you. So your basically doing it to yourself, time and time again.
  2. You have to take responsibility for your life, because its not the external factors that hinder us. We stop ourselves. Sure, some things can have a pretty big impact and get in the way. But that’s it, they’re in the way. MOVE THEM!
  3. You may not realise this, but you are a bundle of conditioned responses that operate outside of your control. You think your in control, but really you think negative, destructive thoughts and engage in self hate and harmful behaviours. But then you go and defend these behaviours with some poor logic like, ‘I deserved it’. When people try to give you empathy or positivity, you continue to unconsciously ignore them thinking ‘its too hard’ and instead you therefore carry on with your usual life routine that you may think is just the way things are meant to be. And then you wonder why your life doesn’t work the way you want it to.
  4. We only have control over 3 things in life- That’s it! Our thoughts, the images we visualise in our heads and then the actions/behaviour we take. If you don’t take control of these aspects of yourself and just carry on letting your habits run on by, you end up in the same conditioned response that you always have to a situation. ‘I can’t do it’ BULL SHIT!!!

You can always make a change. Be it a positive attitude, reframing your thoughts, rationalizing or maybe engaging with yourself and doing what you actually want to do, not what you think you should. You wont change over night with a flick of fairy dust, be realistic! But you can help yourself in whatever situation you are in.

I have suffered from an eating disorder, depression and self harm for years and I’m still fighting. But the difference is that this time I’m fighting hard because I don’t want to carry on living in my conditioned responses. In one afternoon I experienced my ‘happy’ feeling and I want to do everything that I can to help myself and sustain that feeling for as long as I live
You can do it too, tell yourself you can and you will!
-Robyn Sno

Roller Derby! What is it?

I came across this sport because i felt like throwing myself on the floor, bruising my coccyx  and bumping my way around a track of girls with hard core derby names.
Newbie is the term for a player that still looks like Bambi on skates, that’s me for like the first 5 minutes of practice.

The aim of roller derby is to score as many points legally as your team jammer can, whilst blocking the opposing team from scoring. The on track team is made up of 4 blockers and 1 jammer. The jammer is the only person that can score by skating past each of the opposing players. The jammer must first win the position of lead jammer by breaking through the pack and skate one full lap of the track. On return the jammer can then score a maximum of 4 points as she passes each opposing blocker. A jam lasts for 2 minutes, however the lead jammer has the power to call off the jam in order to store her points gained and stop the opposing jammer from scoring.

Game time lasts for 60 minutes, split into two 30 minute halves.

Something that happens multiple times within a bout is the amount of penalties given out to players for foul play, out stepping the boundaries or touching an opposing team member in the wrong body zone. My new trick to accumulate penalties is to try out new moves during a game. A apex jump and transition past the opponent got me a low block and forearm penalty. I can also stock up a bag full of penalties just from falling on my arse and taking the player out behind of me.
Its also quite easy to get carried away and roll to far ahead on the track, therefore getting a penalty for causing a ‘no pack’ situation is also a very high probability in my book.

The bout is umpired by 3 refs, as well as various NSO’s that watch the clock, keep track of penalties etc. The whole roller derby experience is a very loud one, mainly a jumble of girls shouting at each other and the most high pitched screech erupting from the ref’s whistle.

Finally every derby player/official has to have a roller derby name and number. This can be as crazy, hardcore, scary and completely insane as you want it to be, but  must be accepted by the registration process. I am currently residing with Sno Wipeout, as that is my forte.- my graceful falls!

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-Robyn Sno