You’re nose diving deeper and deeper and the worst thing is that you are completely aware of it. You know what has triggered you and you have healthy coping mechanisms in place for this, but unless others have or are living with an eating disorder, they will simply not understand. You are aware of the the bad thoughts, but your rational brain is no were near strong enough to beat them .You try to think of ways to help yourself , but hit a brick wall because your brain wont actually allow you to take action. You thus become so weak and drained from giving into your ed that you continue to fall further and further.
A secret is that you don’t truly know if you want your eating disorder to fully leave you. Its a horrible, lying beast that has tricked you for years, but it has also been your rock, your security blanket and you honestly feel like you would be loosing a bit part of who you are. You’re so afraid to let it go because it has helped you and you realise that it might not seem like it has helped you, but it has gotten you through tough times and enabled you to learn alot about yourself and the world around us.
At the moment your are petrified of eating even though you are hungry. Once you eat you feel sick and instinctively want to vomit to reduce the feeling of fullness. For you, being full is bad, it makes you feel uncomfortable and hateful towards yourself. You fear weight gain and if you put on weight, you’ve lost control.
You’re really tired of trying to figure out what all of this means.
You don’t know what you want anymore and that therefore leaves you in no mans land.