Self harm is my pain outlet. It has served me well for years, sometimes it can be satisfactory, breath taking and sometimes it can be pointless and soul destroying. I made ONE HUGE change last week. I took my weapon of choice with me to my GP appointment. Nestled safely in my hand it sat comfortably rubbing against the hardness of my skin. Before I left the doctors office, I asked her to please take this off of me and right there and then I opened my palm and exposed my security blanket. As she took the blade off of me, I was shaking and once it had left my hand I began to cry. I don’t know if I was crying because I was giving up my safe place or if I was crying because I was telling my mental health to fuck off! I have had another episode where I gave my weapon away, but then I chickened out and asked for it back, I wasn’t strong enough to let go then.
My body is full of scars and marks from where I have released my inner pain and I accept that. Just because I have given up my blade it doesn’t mean that the urge to self harm has just vanished.- I wish. Now I have to find safer ways that will give me the same satisfactory release to then eventually reach a place where I don’t even need these new coping mechanisms anymore.
I am one that needs the pain sensation or to visually see the blood colour. Distractions do not work for me, I need my senses to flurry. So here are the techniques that I have researched and will try from now on.
- I am currently housing a yellow elastic band on my left wrist that when i snap it against my skin I get that pain sensation.
- For the visual sense, I have opted to use a red marker pen and write words or scribbles on my body when I feel fragile. That way its difficult to get rid off, just like a wound but the thing is that it will eventually rub off unlike a lifetime scar.
- In my day to day life, I keep a well stocked first aid kit, full of all sorts of creams, plasters and drugs (legal) From my box I call upon Tiger balm, a Chinese remedy that is used to relieve pain. You can rub it on your temples for headaches for example. This may work for me as by rubbing it onto my arm, leg etc I will instantly get the cold, cooling sensation that comes with holding an ice cube for example. It might not be as effective as the pain from the elastic band, but it is certainly a possibility for a reduced pain safety net.